Posts Tagged ‘fear’

Fear and Faith

Ok, you all know from past blog entries that I am a cancer survivor…five years now.  So, today I had my annual mammogram.  I never used to worry about them because I didn’t have anything to worry about!  However, now, after going through all the medical crap that comes with experiencing and treating the big “C”, anytime you have to revisit that it is cause for concern and not a little worry.

Today, however, I went with no apprehension since it’s been five years and I’ve had nary a problem.  Today, it was different.  I had the mammogram and was waiting for my results when the technician came back and said that the radiologist wanted another mammogram done on the breast where my cancer had been.  I really did not worry because that has happened before and everything came out fine.  Today, he also wanted an ultrasound done.  There was something there that he wasn’t sure of.  So I had the second mammogram done and the ultrasound.  THEN the radiologist (same one who did my pre-op before my cancer surgery…nice man) came into the room and did ANOTHER ultrasound himself.  He sat down and looked at me and I looked at him and then he said that he thought it would be a good idea to do a biopsy, but that he couldn’t do it the usual way because he couldn’t get to the suspicious tissue…I would have to undergo a stereotactic (mammographically guided) breast biopsy.  That sounded a little scary to me, but I said “Let’s get to it!”  I also told him that if there was any chance that I had a recurrence of breast cancer that I was going to have a double mastectomy.  I’m not fooling around with this stuff again.  For heaven’s sake, I’m 68 years old and I really don’t need them anymore anyway.  I would probably look into reconstructive surgery though just so I would look better in my clothes.  Lord knows I certainly don’t and wouldn’t look better without them.  I couldn’t call Rich because he wasn’t near a phone, so I thought, ok, sister…just do what you have to do…you can deal with anything.  I prayed fervently to God that he would spare me, but I told Him that I could handle it whatever happened, so just be with me.  I was getting ready to schedule the biopsy for later this afternoon, when the doctor came back into the room and said that he’d been checking my previous years’ mammograms and had decided that the change he saw was because they’d switched to digital mammographies and that would account for the discrepancy in the tests.  He said that I did not need the biopsy and that I could go home.  I said, “Are you SURE??”  He said that he was and I just gave him the biggest hug ever.

Some days are like that.  You can be on the brink of despair one minute and catapulted to extreme happiness the next.  I hope that these days are few and far between though.  Today really took that starch out of my shorts.  I feel like I dodged a great big bullet.  The difference between fear and faith is a thin line, but when you have faith, the fear is manageable.   My hope is that we can all trust in God and have faith that no matter what happens, we can always count on His presence in our lives.


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Amy Drown

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